2018-2019 - Lowest time in my life.
To be honest… I had spent the last hour writing up a post to finally talk about how hard this time was for me. Actually… I’ve been “writing” it in my mind for the last 4 years. But every time I get into the nitty-gritty of it, it becomes too difficult to continue.
I can say that, it was the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of how life was the years prior and how life is now 🙏🏽.
My usually supportive, loving, caring, thoughtful, present, attentive, sympathetic husband/partner/heart left for a 7 month deployment… and was suddenly none of those things. Plus 2 more years (unfortunately, reintegration takes time).
Later on, while going on a trip for a photography workshop where I was leaving the kids behind (one of which got a cold right before I left making me want to cancel the whole trip), I would learn how turning off your emotions is a way of coping with all the worry. 🤯
But at that time, I couldn’t understand why my husband changed. There are so many things that I have come to anticipate, accept and be flexible with in this military life, and married life, but never once did I think my husband would make me feel abandoned
…with our 4 year old son and our daughter who was less than a year old.
Our once happy and impenetrable family felt broken.
Our daughter, no matter how much I tried to sway her, refused the bottle + pacifier and only wanted to be nursed; couldn’t put herself to sleep and for the most part, only slept/napped well if I was laying next to her. After a while, my body no longer felt like it was mine. Nor did my time.
I struggled keeping up with my photography business that once thrived with having sessions all over Europe and Washington. And I could barely squeeze in time to go to the gym (or for anything else!).
Creating and working out were my outlets. Without it, or my husband or my irreplaceable + essential military spouse community (we went to live with family during the deployment so my spouse “club” was too far away, back in our duty station), I reached burn out.
Did anyone watch the Grey’s Anatomy episode last night?
“Put simply, burnout comes from a deep imbalance: too much stress with too few rewards.”
I was depleted, heartbroken, disappointed (in my husband AND in myself), overwhelmed and really sad… sad that my husband left, physically and emotionally, that he couldn’t be there for our daughter’s first year, that everyone kept reminding me how sad it was that my children were without their father, that solo-parenting to this extent was starting to mirror my childhood of growing up with a single-mom, that I couldn’t help fix up my parents house more like I hoped I would, that I let my hard earned business dissipate, that all I wanted to do was lay in bed until he came back, and most of all, that I couldn’t be a better, happier, more put-together mom for my 4 year old. Every-single-day, I drowned in that guilt. And as much as I needed my husband, I knew he was drowning in that guilt as well. There was no resolution but to wait…
It’s getting to that point where i’m struggling to continue talking about it again so I’ll pause on the *before* here.
The after… well, you guys know ☺️. We are together, we are whole and our hearts are overflowing. 🙏🏽
I thank God I didn’t give up during that time… that as much as I wanted to stay in bed, I got up and I kept going. For my husband and for those two beautiful babies of mine 🧡🧡.
Hopefully soon, I’ll be able to summon up the strength to finish writing everything about that time… hopefully it meaning that I’ve been able to fully heal from it.
But for now, I hope that this “prologue” helped at least one spouse not feel so alone.
I see you. And all that you endure.
I share about my experience for my own healing but also to shed a light on what we face and often make the best of. At the very least, it would just be nice to be able to vent without someone telling us that “we chose this and knew what we were getting into”. Same could be said about so many people and the paths/occupations they choose.
But mostly, I share for my fellow military spouses…
So you feel less alone and more comfortable about not having to keep it all together and be all positive, all the time.
Yes, there are SO many perks (travel, health insurance, etc.) and we all love our active duty spouses SO much, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have hardships and shouldn’t say how we feel about those hardships.
I complain all the time, especially during PCS season 😏 and remind my husband to not let my “whining” erase all that I’ve endured and how I’ve thrived in spite of. 10 years, 9 moves, 2 deployments (including with a submarine!!)… all the bending, the pivoting, the handshaking, the cancellations, the waiting, the unknown…
And I’m still here… wanting to be here, supporting and encouraging my husband to go for it.
YOU are still here. 👏👏
Happy Military Spouse Appreciation Day!
Continuing what was said about burnout on Grey’s Anatomy:
”…but burn out isn’t an academic exercise. Its an all consuming systemic condition. It’s your entire body sending you one clear message: something has to change and it has to change now.”
In the episode, Miranda goes to tell her boss that she will be going on vacation,
”…No, I’m done being the superhero… I’m not quitting, Im not taking a leave or saying, I can’t handle this job. I am taking a vacation… day. Maybe two. Because I’m no good to you like this.”
Take that much needed and well deserved break.
Easier said than done though right? Especially as a military spouse, sometimes a break is not an option until your active duty spouse comes home.
“Your exhausted, depleted. You no longer have patience, pleasure or serotonin. This is the end…
unless you turn it into something else and find your path to recovery. Pick the pieces you want for your life and find a new way forward.” - Grey’s Anatomy
Finding a new way forward for me meant telling my husband what was in my heart, listening to what was in his and working together to find a way for our foundation to feel strong again. Successful reintegration and strengthening our relationship both as husband and wife and as parents would not have happened if we didn’t make the effort to understand and better support each other. It took SO much work! But so worth it. After almost 2 years, with a full year of him being home, we finally felt “normal” and stable again. And our family is happier now than ever before.